How much detail should I give?

How do I explain what happens after death?

There are many ideas about what happens to the essence of people after death, and it may help to share your own ideas about death with a child. Younger children may find it harder to understand, and will ask more questions.

One important thing to remember is to try and avoid the term "gone to sleep". Research has shown that children can take this term literally, and worry about sleeping at night in case they do not wake up. It is far better to be factual, and say "has died".

Should the child see the body?

Seeing the body of a loved one can help children understand that the person they knew or loved has gone. It can help them believe that death is permanent and give them a further opportunity to talk.

Should children attend the funeral?

Many children do attend burials and cremations. By telling them what to expect, you can help both them, and you, to decide if they should go. If you are very distressed, it can help to let someone you both trust take responsibility for them during the ceremony, and explain to them what is going on.

At the Richmond Borough cemeteries, staff will help you to ensure that, if children attend, they can be involved as much as they would like. In the past, children have made tapes of special poems or readings, and they have been played during chapel services. Children may choose to draw a picture or write a letter, and this could be put on top of the coffin. Our staff will help to make the whole process easier, and encourage children to look at where the grave will be, and to ask questions about what it will look like on the day of the funeral. We do not, however, have a crèche facility, so it is important that the children can be looked after by family or friends on the actual day of the funeral.

Should the child see you cry?

If they see you cry, it will let them know that it is alright for them to cry too. It always helps if you can explain why you are sad or angry so that the child knows it is not their fault. Again, you could entrust the child to a close relative or friend if you are too upset to care for them.

Who should be told?

It is always a good idea to tell the school, as teachers will be able to be more sensitive to a child if they are aware of a death. It can be very helpful to speak to the teacher and the bereaved child together, to decide what to say to the other children in the class.